| Joke Name |
• Demetri Martin: Strange Beast in College
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur. |
• Bob Oschack: On Renting Porn
I'm a 31-year-old, college-educated, married man in need of a sexual outlet 'cause my wife is out of town, or she's working late, or she's in the other room reading intently -- I don't care anymore. |
• Dan Naturman: Dad Gives the Talk
He sat me down, and he's like, 'OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.' I'm like, 'No, I know about condoms.' He's like, 'No -- anti-depressants.' |
• Brian Kiley: Psych Paper
I didn't do too well in college. The only class I did well in was psychology. My term paper on dreams was actually published. Do you read Penthouse? I was the guy named JoJo. |
• Chelsea Handler: Waiting for College
When I was a little girl, I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity,' and all these big dreams. Then, the third grade ended up being such a nutty year -- and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college 'cause I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere. |
• Leo Allen: The Laziest Moment in History
It was probably a young woman, probably a teenager, lying in bed, very early in the morning. Her alarm clock goes off, and she goes, 'Oh my God, why did I set my alarm for 6:30? Oh yeah, I had an appointment to get an abortion. You know what? I... |
• Chad Daniels: Genetic Advancements
I can't wait until they could put wings on humans. Because when they could put wings on humans, they could put wings on pigs, and when they could put wings on pigs, lots of pretty girls from college owe me sex. |
• Chad Daniels: My Wife's Friends
Her friends are a**holes. They always try to belittle me because they all have PhD's and I didn't finish college. Like, one night, we're all out getting dinner, and this one guy's like, 'So, Chad, have you ever had Indian food?' I was like, 'Hello? Thanksgiving.' |
• Tommy Johnagin: The Hardest Thing at Community College
The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of |
• Laura House: Strict Mom
My mom's a teacher, so she was real strict with me and my brother. She was like, 'Look, don't drink and don't do drugs and don't sleep around.' And then, one day it was like she changed her mind about everything. She said, 'You're going to college.' |
• Tom Cotter: Call It What It Is
We don't call anything what it is anymore. In college, I was a partier. All my friends used to say, 'Cotter, you're a partier.' Now, I'm a problem drinker. When did that happen? |
• Eddy Ifft: Moving After College
You move out of college, where do you go? A lot of people move in with their parents, huh? I wasn't that pathetic. I didn't move in with my parents. I moved in with my sister. |
• Dina Pearlman: Meeting Men
I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college. I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: 'Oh my God, I am so wasted!' |
• Anthony Szpak: Sorority Girls
I love college girls. The only girls I date in college, though, are sorority girls. Why? Because they're dumb. You can trick them so easy. 'I'm your boyfriend.' 'Oh my God! Let's have sex!' |
• Kevin Bozeman: Credit Cards
They give you credit cards in college. They just give them to you. It's all part of the plan, people. They gave me three credit cards for, like, $1,000 limit each. Then they got mad because I couldn't pay them back. I'm like, 'I thought when I... |
• Scott Kennedy: 18-Year-Old Baseball Players
I've totally fallen in love lately with 18-year-old baseball players.... But I don't just fall in love because they're adorable; I also love baseball, that's our national pastime. I love it. I go to all the college freshmen practices at home... |
• Melanie Reno: More Money in College
It's weird, though, 'cause this is my first time job and everything, but I could've sworn I was making more money in college just working for my parents as their daughter. |
• B.J. Novak: Learned Nothing in College
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology. |
• Heather Lawless: Security Bars
Even though I was a self-defense instructor in college, I still get really scared sometimes. The other night, I don't know what happened, but somehow, I managed to get my head stuck in the security bars outside of my bedroom window. I was trying... |
Another Robbie Martin Site 2008 http://bondi-blond.com
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