| Joke Name |
• John Evans: E-Mailing George W. Bush
My mom e-mailed the president of the United States -- which is cute, in a children's letter to Santa Claus kind of way -- but I don't think he's gonna read it. He didn't even read the pre-war intelligence about Iraq; I don't think he's jumping into his inbox, talking to my mother. |
• Jamie Kaler: Learned in My Car
I learned in my car that I could not have children. It was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running. |
• Vargus Mason: Only the Little Angels
If you've ever noticed -- paid attention in any Amber Alert -- you might have noticed they only kidnap the little angel in the family that everybody loves and misses. Why don't we ever hear about them kidnapping badass children? I think people don't report those Amber Alerts. |
• Cristela Alonzo: Hard Being a Single Mom
It's really hard being a single mom nowadays -- which is why I don't have children. I am a blackout drinker, though, so that's cool. |
• Jeffrey Ross: "My Girl Giggles" Poem
The first time I asked her to dance, / she just smiled and nodded her head and giggled. / And when I asked her to be my wife, / she just smiled and nodded her head and giggled. / When I asked her how many children she wanted to have, / she just... |
• Jeffrey Ross: My Mother's Poem for My Father
I love you and you love me. / But you eat like you have two buttholes. Put a shirt on, / you're scaring the children. / And put some pants on, / you're scaring the cat. |
• Jeff Allen: Lazy People
We're lazy people. We've woken our children up to get the remote for the television. |
• Happy Cole: Helping a Single Mom
You ever been in a store before and see a mom -- she got like five or six kids, and she can't control any of the kids. Kids just running around knocking stuff off the shelves, just yelling at people for no reason. You feel bad for the woman, so... |
• David Alan Grier: All About the Baby
Soon as a baby's born, it's all about the baby. And it's scary because a lot of these parents, it's like they can't see their own children's faults. They're perfect. 'Look at this baby! Look at him, he's so cute. Look at him! Oh, and he's smart,... |
• Jessica Kirson: English Children
I get intimidated by people a lot, but I'm mostly intimidated by English children 'cause I think that they all sound like they're 50. |
• D.L. Hughley: When Does Life Begin?
The whole argument is -- when does life begin? Does it begin at conception, or does it begin when the baby is an embryo? Anybody with children knows life with them don't begin 'til they can pay their own damn bills. |
• Megan Mooney: Big Catholic Family
I'm from a big Irish family, which is cool. My parents had seven children, but I don't think they wanted seven kids. They're Catholic, so that means they love Jesus and hate four of us. |
• Jack Coen: Truth Be Known
If the truth be known, I don't hit my children because I really don't think I could hit them a little. |
• Jim Gaffigan: Big Family Burn Out
Parents get burned out in big families. You can even see it in the naming of children. It's always, like, the first kid: 'You were named after Grandma'; the seventh kid: 'You were named after a sandwich I had. I loved that. Now, get your brother Reuben.' |
• Tom Rhodes: Always the Negative Side
In America, all you ever get is the negative side of drinking: 'He got drunk and killed a busload of children.' Come on, man. It's time someone pointed out the good in alcohol. Drinking creates conversation, right? You gotta call people the next day and apologize to 'em. |
• Gilbert Gottfried: Mother Teresa's Miracle
I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was... |
• Jackie Kashian: Video Games
It's true that there are plenty of video games tiny children should not play. I am a grown up lady, and I need to shoot sh*t. |
• Jeff Stilson: Naming the Baby
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.' |
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